It has finally happened!
While at work on January 18, 2013, Patrick started asking me about adoption again. We started out discussing international adoption, and theorizing what country we would choose. The next that I knew, he was asking about adoption of an older child through the foster system. In that moment, a spark in my heart was ignited...and I just *knew* this would be how our family would grow.
We began reading many books, and researching online (including www.adoptuskids.org).
On February 13, 2013, we attended our initial foster adoption orientation meeting for the State of Wisconsin in Eau Claire, WI. So we begun our application process.
On June 4, 2013, the initial home visit by Liz Lunderman was completed by the State of Wisconsin. We had been told that this visit would be an opportunity to ask clarifying questions and discuss our family preferences. This visit was a very frustrating one; but ultimately, we were informed that her report would be forwarded to Lutheran Social Services, and they we should expect a call from a social worker that would be assigned to us to guide us throughout this process. Hope to get more information down the road.
Tonight, we had a chance to talk with Kevin & Nancy Newell regarding their experiences of adoption of older children and sibling groups. It was very encouraging.
So, now, we are waiting yet again...this time for the next contact from the LSS social worker; then on to the home study, we think...
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hello, little one. I don't know if I will ever get to know you, or if you will forever remain in my heart though not in my arms. I wanted to let you know how much I love you, and miss your presence here.
I've been thinking of you a lot, again, since your Daddy turned 39. Ultimately, we had another long talk about you on Sunday night. After some research the next morning, I've decided that if I work really hard and get my blood sugar under control, and lose some weight that I'd like to give it another chance.
You see, ever since I was diagnosed with diabetes, I've been afraid to invite you into my body. I've been afraid that I would hurt you in ways that would crush me. All along, God has been teaching me about His plan, but I was not completely trusting that He knows best...no matter what the outcome.
Even now, the fear is there...but with God's grace, I'll find the strength to overcome it. Thinking of all the years that I've wasted in fear overwhelms me, it seems that no matter what direction I look, all I see is sin. I've missed the mark in so many ways. Then, I remember the cross...because on that cross the Messiah shed his life-blood for the forgiveness of sins...MY sin.
So, little one, as I begin the long-road to making my body as safe as I can for you, I intentionally place my trust in God to show His perfect plan.
I've been thinking of you a lot, again, since your Daddy turned 39. Ultimately, we had another long talk about you on Sunday night. After some research the next morning, I've decided that if I work really hard and get my blood sugar under control, and lose some weight that I'd like to give it another chance.
You see, ever since I was diagnosed with diabetes, I've been afraid to invite you into my body. I've been afraid that I would hurt you in ways that would crush me. All along, God has been teaching me about His plan, but I was not completely trusting that He knows best...no matter what the outcome.
Even now, the fear is there...but with God's grace, I'll find the strength to overcome it. Thinking of all the years that I've wasted in fear overwhelms me, it seems that no matter what direction I look, all I see is sin. I've missed the mark in so many ways. Then, I remember the cross...because on that cross the Messiah shed his life-blood for the forgiveness of sins...MY sin.
So, little one, as I begin the long-road to making my body as safe as I can for you, I intentionally place my trust in God to show His perfect plan.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
So why do I feel like crying...?
Well, before the virus from you know where kicked in the last couple of days(*sniff, sniff*), earlier this week was a crazy! On-call, and tremendously busy, led to an early morning phone call at 0400, informing me that a birth seemed imminent, and would I please come to the hospital?
Some hours later, after a picture perfect birth, not for the first time, in the midst of the hustle and bustle...and perfect rush of adrenline that is birthing...tears pressed behind my eyes, seeking for release. Many times in the years spent being with woman, tears have come to my eyes...usually tears of joy, though occasionally tears of sadness. But these tears were different. These were selfish tears, shamed though I am to admit it.
It truly hit me...that will never be me. In spite of my desire, never. Watching women of all ages as they become moms through this miracle of birth, some babies eagerly awaited; others unexpected. Despite my attempts to understand why God gives this joy of pregnancy and birth to women who hate it, while withholding it from one who has so desired it for years...I really don't understand, and it hurts.
Now, please, don't misunderstand, this is not a plea for pity, or sympathy, or even comfort. This is a reflection of the paradox of my life. Joy and contentment now, and yet this underpining of grief. I am blessed beyond measure, yet I walk a road that is paved with tears. As Proverbs so succintly put it, "...hope deferred maketh the heart sick..."
So, I cry...tears of joy, sorrow and at times, selfish ones too. Knowing that contentment of a life at peace on this unexpected road. And to top it all off, I'm blessed to guide women through the paths of pregnancy and celebrate the birth of every soul that slips into my hands, gasping that first glorious breath of life. Trusting in the promise of the Scriptures is that "...but when the desire cometh, it is a Tree of Life." ~Proverbs 13:12
"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." ~Psalm 37:4-5
The answer is simple, though not always easy...in the midst of the tears, TRUST.
Some hours later, after a picture perfect birth, not for the first time, in the midst of the hustle and bustle...and perfect rush of adrenline that is birthing...tears pressed behind my eyes, seeking for release. Many times in the years spent being with woman, tears have come to my eyes...usually tears of joy, though occasionally tears of sadness. But these tears were different. These were selfish tears, shamed though I am to admit it.
It truly hit me...that will never be me. In spite of my desire, never. Watching women of all ages as they become moms through this miracle of birth, some babies eagerly awaited; others unexpected. Despite my attempts to understand why God gives this joy of pregnancy and birth to women who hate it, while withholding it from one who has so desired it for years...I really don't understand, and it hurts.
Now, please, don't misunderstand, this is not a plea for pity, or sympathy, or even comfort. This is a reflection of the paradox of my life. Joy and contentment now, and yet this underpining of grief. I am blessed beyond measure, yet I walk a road that is paved with tears. As Proverbs so succintly put it, "...hope deferred maketh the heart sick..."
So, I cry...tears of joy, sorrow and at times, selfish ones too. Knowing that contentment of a life at peace on this unexpected road. And to top it all off, I'm blessed to guide women through the paths of pregnancy and celebrate the birth of every soul that slips into my hands, gasping that first glorious breath of life. Trusting in the promise of the Scriptures is that "...but when the desire cometh, it is a Tree of Life." ~Proverbs 13:12
"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." ~Psalm 37:4-5
The answer is simple, though not always easy...in the midst of the tears, TRUST.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
So many choices...
Over the last several days, my thoughts have shifted faster than desert sands.
At first, it was the thought that this "thorn in the flesh" would prevent our dreams, but thankfully, that was just me overthinking a simple principle. As Paul wrote as many years ago, "...be careful for nothing..."
Now, with new understanding, begins one of the most important decisions in this process. What agency? Thanks to the kind replies of members of the adopt-philippines yahoo group, I am confident in choosing an out-of-state agency if it seems like the best fit for us, though it will require a local agency for our homestudy. But, honestly, the choices are multiple. Initially, I feel really comfortable with what I have heard of Hand-In-Hand International, and I like the fact that one of their offices is in St. Paul; also, the fact that they have a long experience with adoption from the Philippines is very encouraging to me as well. That said, I have heard great things of Wide Horizons as well. There is a local agency, CrossRoads, that may be another option as well...but honestly, I haven't gotten as much feedback about this one. Then, of course, there is Bethany...who hasn't heard of them! *grins*
So, left with too many options, I request prayers that Patrick and I will be given wisdom in making this decision. "...but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God..."
...again, seeking the man of peace...
Paul continues, "...And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus...
Finally,...whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
~Philippians 4:6-8
At first, it was the thought that this "thorn in the flesh" would prevent our dreams, but thankfully, that was just me overthinking a simple principle. As Paul wrote as many years ago, "...be careful for nothing..."
Now, with new understanding, begins one of the most important decisions in this process. What agency? Thanks to the kind replies of members of the adopt-philippines yahoo group, I am confident in choosing an out-of-state agency if it seems like the best fit for us, though it will require a local agency for our homestudy. But, honestly, the choices are multiple. Initially, I feel really comfortable with what I have heard of Hand-In-Hand International, and I like the fact that one of their offices is in St. Paul; also, the fact that they have a long experience with adoption from the Philippines is very encouraging to me as well. That said, I have heard great things of Wide Horizons as well. There is a local agency, CrossRoads, that may be another option as well...but honestly, I haven't gotten as much feedback about this one. Then, of course, there is Bethany...who hasn't heard of them! *grins*
So, left with too many options, I request prayers that Patrick and I will be given wisdom in making this decision. "...but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God..."
...again, seeking the man of peace...
Paul continues, "...And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus...
Finally,...whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
~Philippians 4:6-8
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Hand In Hand...
We received our packet from Hand-In-Hand International today...and Patrick has already read it all! *grins*
Honestly, I was quite surprised...the fees seem quite reasonable, though I am aware that they don't reflect all the costs that will be incurred during this process.
*chuckles* I have to laugh, as I heard through the grapevine, that some family and friends were under the mistaken understanding that Patrick and I are expecting (ie. pregnant)...just for the record, we are not. As I spoke of earlier, this is not a road that God has before us to walk.
One thing that has been very manifest in the last few days, and it has been a great blessing to me personally, is the support of family and friends (including so many new acquaintances on the Adopt-Philippines yahoo group!). Thank you so much for the love and messages of support!
Honestly, I was quite surprised...the fees seem quite reasonable, though I am aware that they don't reflect all the costs that will be incurred during this process.
*chuckles* I have to laugh, as I heard through the grapevine, that some family and friends were under the mistaken understanding that Patrick and I are expecting (ie. pregnant)...just for the record, we are not. As I spoke of earlier, this is not a road that God has before us to walk.
One thing that has been very manifest in the last few days, and it has been a great blessing to me personally, is the support of family and friends (including so many new acquaintances on the Adopt-Philippines yahoo group!). Thank you so much for the love and messages of support!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
One small step...
"It's a dangerous business,...stepping out your front door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you'll be swept off to..."
~Bilbo Baggins
Whose knows when that step was first taken that led to yesterday and all the succeeding tomorrows...until one day our own little one is "accepted in the beloved" and fetched home to our forever family.
My journey along this road to adoption has been a slow and meandering way...
We all have known friends, or maybe even family members, that have participated in adoption through a variety of ways. I'll not ever forget when my older cousin made a decision for life, and surrendered her firstborn up to another mommy & daddy. My own husband was "adopted" by his stepmom, Janie, always the son of her heart, though not of her body.
One moment was in the Philippines, the night that we delivered a little girl whose mother had chosen to give her up for adoption...I remember certain "snapshots" in my mind's eye from that night so very clearly...the moment of birth, as the mother covered her face, so she would not see...the immediate moments afterwards as I held that precious newborn baby girl in my arms downstairs in the kitchen, and heard her cry, I just KNEW she felt the loss of her mother...and the knowledge that she would have a safe place to grow, and hopefully one day a forever family because of the little children's home. While I was with HELP,Intl for six months, I had the joy of seeing the creation of a handful of forever families, when couples came to the little children's home to fetch their little ones home.
Since the age of fifteen, my life has been impacted by my passion for pregnancy and childbirth. People used to always ask me (due to my early exposure to the "pain" of childbirth) if I was afraid to experience it myself...and the honest answer has always been, NEVER...I have never been afraid of birth, and honestly, it has always been a dream to finally experience those lifegiving sensations.
The years passed, and finally, during my first year of residency, I met and married my best friend, Patrick. Like all couples, we expected pregnancy to come easily...it did not. After three years, people began to remind me that "the clock was ticking." Finally, I completed residency, and we moved across the country to Wisconsin, and honestly, I thought for sure that with the change in my situation (ie. less stress), that surely, it was the right time...
...until Easter Weekend 2007. Diagnosed with diabetes, my dreams of pregnancy were instantly shattered. No longer able to provide a safe haven for growth and development, requiring medications that would be devastatingly harmful, with deep sadness I began using birth control to actively prevent pregnancy. My heart was broken. Later this diagnosis was clarified to reflect Latent AutoImmune Diabetes of the Adult, which led to use of insulin within six months of my original diagnosis. Once again, hope flickered in my heart...maybe I could stop some of the medications and try again...but after many heart-searching talks with my hunny, counseling with my personal doctor, and many moments of prayers and seeking peace in my own heart...I understand that my responsibilities extend far beyond my desire for pregnancy and childbirth. As with many other expectations of my life, this is yet another path that I do not walk.
My doctor (who is also my friend and a fellow Christian) reminded me to pray until I had peace about my decision regarding pregnancy. So, I did...in the solitude of my heart, I begged for peace. It was brought to my remembrance, a sermon that my pastor, Bro. Kenny Dalton, preached many years ago now on "the man of peace." Honestly, I don't remember the exact point of the message, but I walked away with this understanding, when you are sent out, you are to seek for the "man of peace," and when you find him, there you abide...and you keep looking until you find him. That lesson continues to guide me to this day...if you aren't at peace, you keep seeking, until it is found.
Again, my doctor encouraged me to reconsider adoption, stating, "...maybe God is just waiting to bless you with a precious child from Guatamala..." Again, I was throw into the forray of adoption options, international or domestic...if international, what country??? I had heard so many couples talk about having a heart for a certain country...I wasn't really sure what they meant...I mean, weren't they all international? It wasn't like I was trying to convert a country through adoption! *boggle* Maybe domestic...but honestly, no matter where I looked, my heart just was not in it...never did I feel a passion to really let go, and trust my heart to this adoption process...
My hunny and I have talked for years regarding adoption. He is such a blessing! Always giving me time to work through my thoughts and feelings. Confident in his desire for children, whether "rented" or not! :) He is anxious to be a father, but is continually patient with me. I've done a ton of reading online regarding adoption, but always in the back of my mind there was doubt...
Would I be a good mother?
Could I really handle the responsibilities of parenthood?
I'm too busy to ever be a good mom.
It's too expensive (especially with school loans to finish paying off!)
...so many questions that I never actually thought, yes, we can really do this!
Suddenly, literally out of the blue, while contemplating adoption over the last few days, I remembered the little children's home...and my heart was filled with joy...I finally knew what child(ren) that I wanted to welcome into my home. No more was my heart divided...I knew that my doctor's words had born fruit. The Philippines. That is where my heart for international adoption had first begun...it was so obvious! Why did it take me so long to reach this realization?
So, it begins...
Initially, contact was made with the Gundersons and Gustafsons at the little children's home. Darren reminded me that we will be unable to specify a match with one of their children. I waited for my spirits to fall in discouragement. They did not. There was still a peace that this was finally the right decision. Even if we are not matched with a child from the little children's home, God has a child waiting for us...to start our own forever family.
Yesterday, Patrick and I made initial inquiries into an international agency Hand In Hand International with offices in St. Paul, MN. We will wait to hear back from them. If need be, we may also consider talking with Crossroads, which has an office in Wisconsin (this might be necessary to facilitate our future homestudy).
I have joined a yahoo group for people interested in, in the process of, or have adopted from the Philippines. I look forward to learning from others' experiences.
So, it is one small step...
~Bilbo Baggins
Whose knows when that step was first taken that led to yesterday and all the succeeding tomorrows...until one day our own little one is "accepted in the beloved" and fetched home to our forever family.
My journey along this road to adoption has been a slow and meandering way...
We all have known friends, or maybe even family members, that have participated in adoption through a variety of ways. I'll not ever forget when my older cousin made a decision for life, and surrendered her firstborn up to another mommy & daddy. My own husband was "adopted" by his stepmom, Janie, always the son of her heart, though not of her body.
One moment was in the Philippines, the night that we delivered a little girl whose mother had chosen to give her up for adoption...I remember certain "snapshots" in my mind's eye from that night so very clearly...the moment of birth, as the mother covered her face, so she would not see...the immediate moments afterwards as I held that precious newborn baby girl in my arms downstairs in the kitchen, and heard her cry, I just KNEW she felt the loss of her mother...and the knowledge that she would have a safe place to grow, and hopefully one day a forever family because of the little children's home. While I was with HELP,Intl for six months, I had the joy of seeing the creation of a handful of forever families, when couples came to the little children's home to fetch their little ones home.
Since the age of fifteen, my life has been impacted by my passion for pregnancy and childbirth. People used to always ask me (due to my early exposure to the "pain" of childbirth) if I was afraid to experience it myself...and the honest answer has always been, NEVER...I have never been afraid of birth, and honestly, it has always been a dream to finally experience those lifegiving sensations.
The years passed, and finally, during my first year of residency, I met and married my best friend, Patrick. Like all couples, we expected pregnancy to come easily...it did not. After three years, people began to remind me that "the clock was ticking." Finally, I completed residency, and we moved across the country to Wisconsin, and honestly, I thought for sure that with the change in my situation (ie. less stress), that surely, it was the right time...
...until Easter Weekend 2007. Diagnosed with diabetes, my dreams of pregnancy were instantly shattered. No longer able to provide a safe haven for growth and development, requiring medications that would be devastatingly harmful, with deep sadness I began using birth control to actively prevent pregnancy. My heart was broken. Later this diagnosis was clarified to reflect Latent AutoImmune Diabetes of the Adult, which led to use of insulin within six months of my original diagnosis. Once again, hope flickered in my heart...maybe I could stop some of the medications and try again...but after many heart-searching talks with my hunny, counseling with my personal doctor, and many moments of prayers and seeking peace in my own heart...I understand that my responsibilities extend far beyond my desire for pregnancy and childbirth. As with many other expectations of my life, this is yet another path that I do not walk.
My doctor (who is also my friend and a fellow Christian) reminded me to pray until I had peace about my decision regarding pregnancy. So, I did...in the solitude of my heart, I begged for peace. It was brought to my remembrance, a sermon that my pastor, Bro. Kenny Dalton, preached many years ago now on "the man of peace." Honestly, I don't remember the exact point of the message, but I walked away with this understanding, when you are sent out, you are to seek for the "man of peace," and when you find him, there you abide...and you keep looking until you find him. That lesson continues to guide me to this day...if you aren't at peace, you keep seeking, until it is found.
Again, my doctor encouraged me to reconsider adoption, stating, "...maybe God is just waiting to bless you with a precious child from Guatamala..." Again, I was throw into the forray of adoption options, international or domestic...if international, what country??? I had heard so many couples talk about having a heart for a certain country...I wasn't really sure what they meant...I mean, weren't they all international? It wasn't like I was trying to convert a country through adoption! *boggle* Maybe domestic...but honestly, no matter where I looked, my heart just was not in it...never did I feel a passion to really let go, and trust my heart to this adoption process...
My hunny and I have talked for years regarding adoption. He is such a blessing! Always giving me time to work through my thoughts and feelings. Confident in his desire for children, whether "rented" or not! :) He is anxious to be a father, but is continually patient with me. I've done a ton of reading online regarding adoption, but always in the back of my mind there was doubt...
Would I be a good mother?
Could I really handle the responsibilities of parenthood?
I'm too busy to ever be a good mom.
It's too expensive (especially with school loans to finish paying off!)
...so many questions that I never actually thought, yes, we can really do this!
Suddenly, literally out of the blue, while contemplating adoption over the last few days, I remembered the little children's home...and my heart was filled with joy...I finally knew what child(ren) that I wanted to welcome into my home. No more was my heart divided...I knew that my doctor's words had born fruit. The Philippines. That is where my heart for international adoption had first begun...it was so obvious! Why did it take me so long to reach this realization?
So, it begins...
Initially, contact was made with the Gundersons and Gustafsons at the little children's home. Darren reminded me that we will be unable to specify a match with one of their children. I waited for my spirits to fall in discouragement. They did not. There was still a peace that this was finally the right decision. Even if we are not matched with a child from the little children's home, God has a child waiting for us...to start our own forever family.
Yesterday, Patrick and I made initial inquiries into an international agency Hand In Hand International with offices in St. Paul, MN. We will wait to hear back from them. If need be, we may also consider talking with Crossroads, which has an office in Wisconsin (this might be necessary to facilitate our future homestudy).
I have joined a yahoo group for people interested in, in the process of, or have adopted from the Philippines. I look forward to learning from others' experiences.
So, it is one small step...
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