So why do I feel like crying...?

Well, before the virus from you know where kicked in the last couple of days(*sniff, sniff*), earlier this week was a crazy! On-call, and tremendously busy, led to an early morning phone call at 0400, informing me that a birth seemed imminent, and would I please come to the hospital?

Some hours later, after a picture perfect birth, not for the first time, in the midst of the hustle and bustle...and perfect rush of adrenline that is birthing...tears pressed behind my eyes, seeking for release. Many times in the years spent being with woman, tears have come to my eyes...usually tears of joy, though occasionally tears of sadness. But these tears were different. These were selfish tears, shamed though I am to admit it.

It truly hit me...that will never be me. In spite of my desire, never. Watching women of all ages as they become moms through this miracle of birth, some babies eagerly awaited; others unexpected. Despite my attempts to understand why God gives this joy of pregnancy and birth to women who hate it, while withholding it from one who has so desired it for years...I really don't understand, and it hurts.

Now, please, don't misunderstand, this is not a plea for pity, or sympathy, or even comfort. This is a reflection of the paradox of my life. Joy and contentment now, and yet this underpining of grief. I am blessed beyond measure, yet I walk a road that is paved with tears. As Proverbs so succintly put it, "...hope deferred maketh the heart sick..."

So, I cry...tears of joy, sorrow and at times, selfish ones too. Knowing that contentment of a life at peace on this unexpected road. And to top it all off, I'm blessed to guide women through the paths of pregnancy and celebrate the birth of every soul that slips into my hands, gasping that first glorious breath of life. Trusting in the promise of the Scriptures is that "...but when the desire cometh, it is a Tree of Life." ~Proverbs 13:12

"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." ~Psalm 37:4-5

The answer is simple, though not always easy...in the midst of the tears, TRUST.