One small step...

"It's a dangerous business,...stepping out your front door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you'll be swept off to..."
~Bilbo Baggins

Whose knows when that step was first taken that led to yesterday and all the succeeding tomorrows...until one day our own little one is "accepted in the beloved" and fetched home to our forever family.

My journey along this road to adoption has been a slow and meandering way...

We all have known friends, or maybe even family members, that have participated in adoption through a variety of ways. I'll not ever forget when my older cousin made a decision for life, and surrendered her firstborn up to another mommy & daddy. My own husband was "adopted" by his stepmom, Janie, always the son of her heart, though not of her body.

One moment was in the Philippines, the night that we delivered a little girl whose mother had chosen to give her up for adoption...I remember certain "snapshots" in my mind's eye from that night so very clearly...the moment of birth, as the mother covered her face, so she would not see...the immediate moments afterwards as I held that precious newborn baby girl in my arms downstairs in the kitchen, and heard her cry, I just KNEW she felt the loss of her mother...and the knowledge that she would have a safe place to grow, and hopefully one day a forever family because of the little children's home. While I was with HELP,Intl for six months, I had the joy of seeing the creation of a handful of forever families, when couples came to the little children's home to fetch their little ones home.

Since the age of fifteen, my life has been impacted by my passion for pregnancy and childbirth. People used to always ask me (due to my early exposure to the "pain" of childbirth) if I was afraid to experience it myself...and the honest answer has always been, NEVER...I have never been afraid of birth, and honestly, it has always been a dream to finally experience those lifegiving sensations.

The years passed, and finally, during my first year of residency, I met and married my best friend, Patrick. Like all couples, we expected pregnancy to come easily...it did not. After three years, people began to remind me that "the clock was ticking." Finally, I completed residency, and we moved across the country to Wisconsin, and honestly, I thought for sure that with the change in my situation (ie. less stress), that surely, it was the right time...

...until Easter Weekend 2007. Diagnosed with diabetes, my dreams of pregnancy were instantly shattered. No longer able to provide a safe haven for growth and development, requiring medications that would be devastatingly harmful, with deep sadness I began using birth control to actively prevent pregnancy. My heart was broken. Later this diagnosis was clarified to reflect Latent AutoImmune Diabetes of the Adult, which led to use of insulin within six months of my original diagnosis. Once again, hope flickered in my heart...maybe I could stop some of the medications and try again...but after many heart-searching talks with my hunny, counseling with my personal doctor, and many moments of prayers and seeking peace in my own heart...I understand that my responsibilities extend far beyond my desire for pregnancy and childbirth. As with many other expectations of my life, this is yet another path that I do not walk.

My doctor (who is also my friend and a fellow Christian) reminded me to pray until I had peace about my decision regarding pregnancy. So, I did...in the solitude of my heart, I begged for peace. It was brought to my remembrance, a sermon that my pastor, Bro. Kenny Dalton, preached many years ago now on "the man of peace." Honestly, I don't remember the exact point of the message, but I walked away with this understanding, when you are sent out, you are to seek for the "man of peace," and when you find him, there you abide...and you keep looking until you find him. That lesson continues to guide me to this day...if you aren't at peace, you keep seeking, until it is found.

Again, my doctor encouraged me to reconsider adoption, stating, "...maybe God is just waiting to bless you with a precious child from Guatamala..." Again, I was throw into the forray of adoption options, international or domestic...if international, what country??? I had heard so many couples talk about having a heart for a certain country...I wasn't really sure what they meant...I mean, weren't they all international? It wasn't like I was trying to convert a country through adoption! *boggle* Maybe domestic...but honestly, no matter where I looked, my heart just was not in it...never did I feel a passion to really let go, and trust my heart to this adoption process...

My hunny and I have talked for years regarding adoption. He is such a blessing! Always giving me time to work through my thoughts and feelings. Confident in his desire for children, whether "rented" or not! :) He is anxious to be a father, but is continually patient with me. I've done a ton of reading online regarding adoption, but always in the back of my mind there was doubt...
Would I be a good mother?
Could I really handle the responsibilities of parenthood?
I'm too busy to ever be a good mom.
It's too expensive (especially with school loans to finish paying off!)
...so many questions that I never actually thought, yes, we can really do this!

Suddenly, literally out of the blue, while contemplating adoption over the last few days, I remembered the little children's home...and my heart was filled with joy...I finally knew what child(ren) that I wanted to welcome into my home. No more was my heart divided...I knew that my doctor's words had born fruit. The Philippines. That is where my heart for international adoption had first begun...it was so obvious! Why did it take me so long to reach this realization?

So, it begins...

Initially, contact was made with the Gundersons and Gustafsons at the little children's home. Darren reminded me that we will be unable to specify a match with one of their children. I waited for my spirits to fall in discouragement. They did not. There was still a peace that this was finally the right decision. Even if we are not matched with a child from the little children's home, God has a child waiting for us...to start our own forever family.

Yesterday, Patrick and I made initial inquiries into an international agency Hand In Hand International with offices in St. Paul, MN. We will wait to hear back from them. If need be, we may also consider talking with Crossroads, which has an office in Wisconsin (this might be necessary to facilitate our future homestudy).

I have joined a yahoo group for people interested in, in the process of, or have adopted from the Philippines. I look forward to learning from others' experiences.

So, it is one small step...